If I Could Write
by thetrapezeswinger00
Summary: Clare and Eli have to work on their English essay together one night. What happens when the time goes by too quickly?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction. Ever. Because I just couldn't wait till October 8th. I have no idea where I'm going with this.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of the characters.**

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I spent all day and night yesterday writing my essay for English class. Maybe I didn't belong in Honors English 11. It used to be so easy for me to write, but now, I don't know. I currently have a B- in the class, which is the lowest grade I've ever gotten. It wasn't helping that my parents were yelling every day. I've been trying to write out of the box, something that isn't expected of me, but again and again, she gives me Bs.

_School the next day_

"I have graded your papers last night, and I was really pleased with most of your work. However," she handed me my paper with a big, bright red C on the top, "some of you have to step it up."

I quickly raised my hand. She sighed, and then nodded. "Ms. Dawes, I honestly don't understand how I got a…C. I've never gotten a C. How did this happen?"

"Well, Miss Edwards, your past work has been divine, but recently your writing has been distant; impersonal. I could see no Clare in your writing."

"I worked on it all day yesterday. I used complex sentences and advanced vocabulary!"

"Yes, but your writing didn't tell me anything about you. What you want, your feelings. You can't hide behind Vampire fanfiction forever."

"I am not hiding."

"Prove it…to your writing partner." She pointed to the boy in front of me.

"Me?" The kid with dark brown hair retorted.

"Yes, your work can be a little wordy. Elijah, you and Miss Edwards here will be editing each other's work. Clare, I would like you to redo your essay and have Mr. Goldsworthy read it over and edit it tonight. Next time, Clare, I suggest try writing about something you're familiar with."

"Great."

"I'm thrilled."

"You never know, you two. You could be the next Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath."

"Sylvia Plath killed herself," I muttered under my breath.

I can't believe she thought I was so bad that I needed someone to help me! To tutor me! I've never needed any help before, so why should I now? And how was sarcastic goth boy going to help me? I quickly packed up my things and tried to get to the door as fast as I could.

"Woah, slow down there!" I bumped into someone as I tried getting out of the doorway.

"_Excuse me_!" I said as I finally pushed my way out. It was that guy, Eli – my supposed English partner tutor editing type person. His bangs were getting in his eyes and he had a smirk on his face. Why did he always have that stupid smirk on his face?

"Why so fast?" He asked.

"I don't need your help. I'm fine on my own, thanks."

"Ouch. Well, Miss Dawes said that we have to work on it with each other. Come to my house at 7:30." He said it as if I didn't have another choice. I wanted to say no, but he did his stupid smirk again and walked away.

"Ooh la la, Clare. Did I just hear that you have a date with Eli tonight?" Alli came walking from behind me.

"N-n-no. Miss Daws made us writing partners. We have to work on our essays together. I swear I don't need help. I just need inspiration. Or something."

"I'm sure Eli can give you some…inspiration," she said winking at me. I rolled my eyes. "Come on, Clare! I see the way he looks at you. He likes you."

"Eli does _not_ like me."

"Are you serious?" Alli practically yelled. "'You have pretty eyes,'" she said mockingly with her eyes batting, "He's totally into you and you're totally into him."

"Shut up." Maybe in the back of my head, REALLY deep back in my head, I thought she was right. He was the only one who really noticed how I changed.


	2. Chapter 2

It was 7:11pm. I figured I would just walk to his house since it's only a fifteen minute walk. I put on some mascara and grabbed my laptop.

"I'm not dealing with this okay!"

"Well, when ARE we? Do you expect me to just pause everything just to suit your schedule?"

My parents were talking in angry whispers. I wish they would just yell. I wish they wouldn't pretend that I couldn't hear every word that they said. They've been doing this for the past five months.

"I'm going!" I yelled as I walked down the stairs. The whispers stopped. My mom peered her head out of their bedroom, where only my mom was sleeping.

"Where are you going, sweetie?"

For some reason, I didn't want to tell her I was going to a boy's house, afraid she would interrogate me. I also didn't want to lie. "Er, I'm going to work on an English project with a friend."

"Okay, be back by 10!"

_7:27pm._

I walked up to the door and was about to knock, but someone opened it before my hand reached the door. A small woman with dark brown hair and familiar emerald green eyes stood before me. She was dressed in a very pink dress.

"Hello, dear. You must be Clare? I'm Eli's mother. Please, come in." She was very soft spoken, unlike her son.

His house seemed very…normal? There were paintings of flowers on the wall and lace curtains. I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps a coffin? On the mantelpiece, I could see Eli's past school photos. Of course, he wasn't smiling in any of them.

"It's so nice to see a girl in the house again. It has been so long since-" She stopped mid sentence because someone had coughed.

"Oh! Eli, Clare is here." She looked very flustered, as if she had something wrong.

"Um, let's go to my room?" He said nervously. I followed him up the stairs and into a room that was dark green, not black. His bed sheets were unmade, and there was a sea of black clothes and crumpled notebook papers. There were also several piles of books on the floor. Hemingway, Plath, Salinger, Tolkien. On his wall were a few posters of bands that I didn't know and a couple of photos. On his desk was a laptop and there was a framed photo of a beautiful girl with curly long dark brown hair and heavy bangs with a brilliant smile.

I picked up the photo. "Who is th-"

He grabbed the photo out of my hands and put the frame on the desk face down. "Um, so the essay?"

He obviously seemed uncomfortable, so I didn't mention it again. "So I started to rewrite my essay after school. Here," I handed him the paper.

While he read it, I sat on his bed. He took a seat at the desk, with his head leaning on his hand.

"You wrote about…gun control?"

"Yeah, so?"

"What do you know about gun control?"

"I did my fair share of research."

"Well, I see what Miss Daws is saying. Look, you're a good writer, but there's no point of view. Anyone could've written this."

"I said it's good!"

"Wow, that's quite an opinion you got there, Clare," he said sarcastically.

"Okay, fine. You seem to know everything, so what should I write about?"

He got off his desk chair and sat next to me on his bed a foot away from me. "Write about something that pisses you off, if you are capable of being pissed off, Saint Clare." I genuinely hated being called "Saint Clare".

"Like what, my poor excuse of an English partner?"

"Ouch! That hurt, Clare. Right here," he pounded his chest.

"In your black hole?"

"Ha ha. But seriously, if you could change something in the world – anything at all – what would you do?"

I thought for a second or two. I looked straight into his eyes. "My parents. They've been…yelling for the past few months." I haven't told anybody about my parents. Not even Alli. So why was I telling this person whom I barely know all of my problems?

"Perfect, write about that."

"No way! That's too personal. It's probably all just in my head, anyways. Parents yell all the time." I knew, though, that something serious was going on with my parents. Every single day, they've been yelling at each other. I knew our time as a family was limited.

"Clare, you care too much about what people think."

"That's not true!" I couldn't help but think about the time K.C. tried to prove that I cared what other people thought of me.

"Then write about your parents. It'll help. Hey, maybe you could even present it at the student showcase."

I gave him a "are you crazy?" look and he smirked again.

"Okay, hot shot, what did you write about?"

"Hello, we're working on your essay, here."

"So? I want to see your perfect example."

"I'll tell you later. Maybe." I rolled my eyes. I turned on my laptop and put my back against a pillow. Eli sat at the end of the bed with his own laptop. I pulled up a new document and began to type.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this is such a short chapter! **

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**Eli's POV**

I looked at the clock. It's already been an hour and she still hasn't finished. I looked over at her and she looked so focused that if a nuclear war was going on outside, I don't think she would've noticed. I've been talking to Adam on facerange chat. He was going on about this girl in his recreation class, but I wasn't really paying attention. Every couple of seconds I looked back at Clare. At points she stopped typing and covered her face with her hands and whispered something I couldn't hear, but then before I could say something she would resume typing.

**eli-gold49: **Geez, Clare, are you almost done?

She looked up from her laptop. "I'm two feet away-" I stopped her and put my hands on my ears and mouthed "I can't hear you" and nodded to her laptop. She glared at me, but then typed away.

**clare-e23: **I'm two feet away from you.

**eli-gold49: **So? Come on, it's 9:23pm. Let me read it.

"Fine, come-" I stopped her once again, and nodded to her laptop.

**clare-e23: **Fine, come next to me. I'm done anyways.

**eli-gold49: **Finally!

I said bye to Adam and shut my laptop and took a seat next to her. She was so close. Her hip touched mine. I should've moved, but I didn't want to. It felt comfortable and…right? I took her laptop from her lap. I scrolled down. It was four pages long. I took a deep breath, and started to read.

_"We need to talk" is a line every kid dreads…_

"Wow, Clare. This is…" I looked down at her, but she was asleep on my shoulder. I smiled to myself. She looked so peaceful and so…beautiful. No, I couldn't fall for her. Not after what happened. But with her lying so close to me, I couldn't help but want to kiss her. I decided that would probably freak her out, so I just saved her document and put her laptop on the floor. I just wanted to lie there with her forever. I didn't even need to do anything, just being next to her. My eyelids started to feel heavy. Before I knew it, I was sleeping.


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up after feeling something vibrate in my pocket. I opened my eyes to see Eli sleeping next to me. In his bed. I looked out the window. The sun was coming up. I felt the vibration again. My phone! It was my alarm to wake up. _Oh shit._ I stayed here all night. How could I have let this happen? What were my parents going to do to me? What were they going to do to me when they found out I spent the night at a boy's house in his bed? But Eli and I didn't do anything. We slept together. But not like that. How come he didn't wake me up?

"Eli!" I shook him.

"Whaa? What time is it?" He barely opened his eyes.

"Eli, wake up! It's morning!" At this, he jolted and stood straight up.

"What? "

"We fell asleep. Oh no, oh no, oh no. My parents are going to kill me." I started to hyperventilate and started touching my hair and face. Eli took my hands off my face and held them in his.

"Relax, Clare. Call your parents. Tell them you were working on a big project with Alli and spent the night and forgot to tell them."

"I can't _lie." _He looked straight into my eyes and I realized he was still holding my hands.

"Saint Clare's never lied to her parents?" he said mockingly.

"No. I have nothing to hide from my parents." That was only half true. I didn't tell them everything, but I didn't lie. I don't think.

"Call Alli. Tell her to cover for you." But right at that moment, my phone started to vibrate again. It was a call coming from my mother.

"It's my mom! What do I do?"

"Give it to me!"

"What? No!"

"Trust me, Clare. Just hand me the phone." He took the phone from my hands and put it to his ear.

"Miss Edwards?" I couldn't help but want to laugh. Eli was doing his best impression of Alli, with a high falsetto voice, which, I had to admit, sounded pretty accurate that it scared me. He glared at me and put his finger to his mouth. "This is Alli! Clare was just about to call you, but then she needed to go to the bathroom. You know how she is. We were working on a big English project that was due today, and we just got so caught up with it she forgot to call to tell you she was staying the night…mmhmm…I'll be sure to tell her. Well, bye Miss Edwards!"

"Did she buy it?"

"Of course she did. I'm the master of persuasion."

"You scare me. What about your mom?"

"Oh, she doesn't mind. Do you want breakfast?"

"Sure. You cook?"

"Yeah, I can fix up a mean bowl of cereal. You can head downstairs, I'm just going to get ready."

"Freshening up your eyeliner? Wait! I can't show up to school in the same clothes as yesterday. With you. You know how that would look?"

"What? That we slept together? But we did." He smirked.

"Oh, you're so mature. As much as I would love to wear this…Deadhand t-shirt, do you have anything less Eli that I could borrow?"

"Ouch. You should be oh so lucky if I even let you touch my Deadhand t-shirt. Maybe I have something back here." He started to go in the very back of his closet. I could see glimpses of actual colors. I spotted a box in the corner of the closet.

"Why do you have a box marked 'Julia'?" I asked as I started to pull it out.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!" He grabbed my hands more severely and took the box out of my hands. He placed it back where I found it, and continued to look for something.

"I-I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched your stuff."

He sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. Here, wear this." He gave me a small plaid shirt and a cardigan. Two items I would never have expected to find anywhere near Eli's closet. I laughed in amusement. "Hey, don't laugh at me. I haven't worn those clothes in years."

"Mmhmm. Okay, Elijah."

I went into the bathroom to change. I looked in the mirror. I looked horrible. My mascara was smudged and my hair was a mess. I'm surprised Eli didn't make a smartass comment about it. The plaid shirt and cardigan were slightly big on me, but it was comfortable. I washed my face and rinsed my mouth. I opened the door to his room without thinking.

"Ever think of knocking?" He asked. He was shirtless, about to put on his shirt. I quickly covered my eyes with my hands. "Relax, Clare. I'm covered." I slowly took my hands off my face. He was…smiling? Not smirking. He put on his blazer and his headphones.

"Downstairs?" I grabbed my bag and followed him out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Another short chapter! I was going to end it here, but I'm starting to get more ideas. But I'm tres tres busy, so I won't update for a couple of days! :/**

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"Oh, Clare! I wasn't expecting you to stay the night." Eli's mom was already downstairs drinking coffee at the dining table.

"W-w-e didn't d-do anything. I swear. I just a-a-accidentally fell asleep and didn't wake up and we didn't do a-anything. I'm not s-s-someone who would do that. No." My mouth just wouldn't close.

"No, Clare, I didn't think that. You seem like a very smart girl. And I trust Eli." I sighed of relief.

"Mom, I think Clare and I'll just head out." He grabbed two apples and handed me one.

"Alright, honey. I love you." Eli gave his mom a kiss and ever so quietly replied "I love you, too" clearly embarrassed as his face was red.

"Bye, Mrs. Goldsworthy," I said as we walked out the door.

"I would never have expected you of all people to be a momma's boy."

"Shut up," he blushed as we got into the hearse, "I'm the only thing she has. She's been through a lot." He seemed sincere. It was one of the first things out of his mouth that didn't have a coat of sarcasm over it.

"I understand." I didn't know what else to say. I didn't want to push him into telling me what happened. We've only known each other for a week or two. "Hey, you never told me what you thought of my essay."

"Oh, well it's not my fault you fell asleep." I glared at him. "Okay, well, to be honest, it was…one of the realest things I've read. I mean, for an English assignment."

"You're being serious?"

"Yeah," he looked straight into my eyes. It was the first time I ever really looked at him. I never realized how green his eyes were. "Clare, you're a great writer, like I've said. That essay…it's like all the things I've ever wanted to say to him that I was too afraid to."

"Him?"

He paused, not realizing what he was saying. He swallowed his throat. "My dad left us without saying a word. My mom was devastated. She was a completely different person. Like my dad broke her. Sh-she…had to get help. That's why we moved here. To get a fresh start." His voice cracked.

I had no idea what to say. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I'd just say something stupid or inconsiderate. Instead, I just reached for his hand.

"Clare, you don't have to say anything. Really. I know that was way too personal."

"Hey, maybe you should write about it."

"Ha ha, very funny. I hope your parents are different. My dad was just not in a good place."

"I hope so, too," I said as he pulled into the parking lot. As we walked onto the steps of Degrassi, I could tell people were staring at us. I had an idea what they were thinking, but I could care less.

"Clare!" Alli came running to me, "Oh, hello Eli."

"Er, hello," Eli said awkwardly.

"Clare, why didn't you answer your phone? And what are you wearing?"

"Um, well I'm going to go," said Eli, clearly taking the message that Alli was going to ramble about something only girls understood.

"See you around?" I said.

"I guess so." He smirked and I watched as he walked away.

"Helloooooo, earth to Clare. What happened last night? Did something happen between you and Eli?"

"No, we just slept together," I said ever so casually as I started to walk to my first class.

"WHAT?"


	6. Chapter 6

Alli started to run beside me. Even in her high heels, she was faster than me. "Clare, you were just joking, right?"

"Well, technically, no. We didn't do anything." She glared at me unbelievingly. "I swear! I fell asleep as we were working on our essays."

"Uh huh. Don't tell me you're wearing his clothes."

I didn't answer.

"You're wearing his clothes? Me oh my, Saint Clare might not be a saint for long. What did your mom do?"

"Nothing. She thinks I slept over your house."

"What? You brought me into this? What if she calls my mom?"

"Don't worry, Eli covered it. I have to go, Alli, the bell is about to ring." I started to walk away from her.

"What do you mean he covered it?" I heard her yell down the hallway as I entered my honors Algebra 2 class.

_Later that day..._

For some reason I was really looking forward to English. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop tapping my pen. _Where was he?_ The bell rang. He wasn't there. Maybe he'll be late. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Welcome class! Let me just take the attendance." The door opened. I looked back to see who entered. "Late is unacceptable, Mr. Torres. Please sit in your seat." The boy who sat next to me, Adam, put his bag on the floor and sat down. "Now let's see...where was I..." Tap, tap, tap goes my pen.

"Miss Edwards?"

"Here." Tap, tap, tap.

"Foer?" Tap, tap, tap.

"Goldsworthy?" Tap, tap, tap.

"_Goldsworthy?_" Tap, tap, tap.

"I can't believe he ditched class again," muttered a voice next to me. It was Adam. I thought I saw he and Eli reading comics by some lockers once.

"Do you know where Eli is?" I asked.

"Me? I thought you'd know. Didn't you two work on your essay together or something? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. He was here this morning."

He paused, and then looked like he realized something. "Do you know what the date is today?"

"Yeah, October 26th, why?"

"Oh."

"Why? Does it matter?"

"_Mr. Torres!_ I've called your name three times. Late AND talking while the teacher is talking. You're lucky that I don't give you a detention."

"Sorry, Miss Dawes."

I didn't want to cause Adam to get a detention, so I didn't press him for an answer. Unfortunately, right after attendance, she gave a long lecture about who knows what, so I couldn't talk to Adam. For the rest of the class, she assigned several chapters of The Bell Jar to read. She called me up to her desk.

"Clare, I see that your writing partner is not here, but did you manage to rewrite the essay?"

"Yes, I have it right here." I handed her the printed copy.

She began to read it. I watched as her eyes moved down the page. Her face looked very solemn.

"Yes, yes this is what I was looking for, Clare. I see that Eli has made an impression. I knew you two would make a good team." I didn't respond. "I am...very sorry, Clare. I know that I am just your teacher, but if you ever need anyone to talk to..."

"Thank you, Miss Dawes."

"Alright, you may go back to your seat." She gave me a small smile, and I returned to my seat and began to read. I couldn't focus on the reading, though. Eli was here this morning, why would he leave? He didn't look sick this morning. He said he didn't have any homework, so he wasn't avoiding his classes. Was it because of me?

"Adam! You know where Eli is, don't you?" I quickly ran next to him after class.

"Why do you want to know so badly? I thought nothing happened?" Adam said harshly. That struck a chord. Why did I want to know? Was it really any of my business? Were Eli and I even friends? But that stuff about my parents, I've never told anybody that. And the way he talked about his mother, it felt like it was the first time he's ever really talked about it to anyone. I felt safe talking to him.

"Sorry, it's just...I don't think it's any of my business to tell."

"I understand. It's none of my business. I don't even know why I care." I started to walk away.

"Wait, Clare!" I turned around, he was facing me. "Look, I didn't say anything, you hear?" I nodded my head in agreement. "Go to Hope Memorial Gardens right after school today."

"Okay, thank you, Adam!" I only had one more class before the end of the day. _One more class..._


	7. Chapter 7

"Claaaaare! You have to tell me what happened! You can't leave me in the dark forever." Unforunately, Alli was in my last class of the day. She also kept pestering me about it during lunch, but there were too many people around so I didn't want to tell her. Since we sat in the back corner, I guess it wouldn't hurt too much if I told her here.

"Okay, I told you. Nothing happened. It was late, I was tired. I fell asleep. And I guess Eli fell asleep as well. Eli pretended to be you when my mom called and he said that I slept over your house. That's pretty much it."

"Hold up, Eli pretended to be me?" She asked unbelievingly.

"Yeah. It was actually a pretty good interpretation if you ask me." I smiled remembering his ridiculously high falsetto voice.

"How did his mom react? You don't think she would call your mom?"

"She didn't really react. She seemed to believe that we didn't do anything. She trusts Eli."

"Uh huh. So what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You guys couldn't possibly be more snuggly when you walked into school this morning. People were saying-"

"What? No, no, no. It's nothing like that." My cheeks were burning up.

"You're blushing! I knew it I knew it I knew it!"

"Okay, so I care about Eli, but I don't know. He wasn't in English today."

"Where do you-"

"Miss Bendari, since you're already talking would you please tell me what you put down for question number 23?" Ms. Oh said.

Alli glared at me. "Uh, um, I-I-I-"

"Uh huh. I suggest you and Miss Edwards pay attention. We're correcting the assignment I assigned you for homework last night."

I seemed to be getting everybody into trouble, so Alli and I stopped talking.

The bell rang. I quickly gathered all my things and rushed to my locker. The memorial gardens were 20 minutes away from here. I've only passed by it once. I took my bike off the rack. I didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing this. I didn't know why Eli would've been at a cemetary. He did drive a hearse. But why was today so important? October 26th. It didn't ring a bell. What would I do when I saw him? What would he think when he saw that I followed him here? All these questions flooded through my head and the ride seemed longer than it should've been.

Then I saw the hearse. There he was. He was sitting on the ground, his back faced me. I could see there were flowers on his lap. He was looking at a tombstone. As I got nearer to him, the tombstone was readible.

_Julia Simon_

_Born April 3, 1994_

_Died October 26, 2009_

I understood. On her grave was the photo I found in Eli's room. I looked into his face. There were clear tear streaks. He didn't look at me. He kept staring at the tombstone, but I knew he knew I was there. I sat down next to him.

"We were at the park that night. It was the day after my dad left. My mom's body was there, but _she_ wasn't there anymore. I felt like I had nobody. But she was there. I don't even know why we were fighting. It was like I was channeling all my anger about my dad through her. Nothing anybody said could help me. She was just trying to help. But I wouldn't listen. And I _knew_ that I was being ridiculous. I _knew_ that she was the one person who cared about me. I _knew_ that she was the one person who loved me. And I loved her. But I said those things to her. Things that I would've hated myself if I was her. But then I took a step too far. And I told her to go away. And she did. It was so dark. So dark. But then the headlights. And then darkness."

His eyes met mine. His eyes looked so glassy, like if I touched him he would shatter into pieces.

"I took her away. I don't deserve to be here."

I reached for his hand, but he quickly pulled his hand back.

"I don't deserve you."

I don't know why I did what I did. Maybe because I couldn't stand to see him like this. His lips were shaking. I could taste the saltiness from his tears. He pulled back. "I don't deserve you." I kissed him again. "I don't-"

I took his hand in mine. "You can't blame yourself, Eli. This wasn't your fault."

"I don't deserve to live."

I carefully placed both my hands on his face to make him look at me. "Don't say that. Please."

I took the flowers from his lap. I lay all but one of the flowers on Julia's grave. It was a white rose. I put it in his hands. "Eli Goldsworthy, you deserve to live."

_The End_

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**_Well that took quite a turn. I hope you liked it!_**


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